The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.