WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
You Might Also Like
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*