If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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New tinder profile pic
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
That time Alicia messaged me
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.