For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?