when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Who’s your best friend?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?