The Onion called it…again.
You Might Also Like
Usage Guidelines
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Breaking news:
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.