“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
You Might Also Like
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My wife gives the best headache.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”