Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Jupiter
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
they split up moments later
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.