“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Beware of the dog..
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.