If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Saturday
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now