My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.