Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Oh yeah that’s it
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
🤣
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell