I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark