Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “