I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.