I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions