Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I told my vodka about you.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
No. YOU-buprofen.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.