I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave