Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
hi why am I like this
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’ve been learning to cook.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti