I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me, flirting😏
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.