Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
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If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
You wish you had this many chins.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
This made me smile…
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”