Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
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WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Air conditioning – not a fan
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him