Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Match dot com, but for socks.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*