I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Essential oils? You mean WD40?