Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You Might Also Like
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“I wouldn’t.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?