Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?