gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.