I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Seems kinda suspicious
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!