Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house