I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.