Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.