Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
🙋♀️
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.