me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.