“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Buck naked
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.