My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You Might Also Like
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
choose your gary
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes