im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*