Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
this is uni
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Now this is how you LinkedIn
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.