“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it