HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?