Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
grotesque if literal: baby food
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I’m sorry…what?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!