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If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.