if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Mountain Goat : )
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit