I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Oh my God.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Attacked by a mop.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day