[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?