I had to Stop for this
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Childbirth is so beautiful