Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce