Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…