My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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This is the best one I’ve seen
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison