Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*