GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
#FunnyLife Insects
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”